Jesssssssssssssssssica!

I messed up Thursday night. I ended up spending all night in the library trying to finish some homework and I had a venti passion tea with a packet of organic sugar, a croissant, a basket of BBQ shrimp, a couple of french fries, a fried mozzarella stick, and about half a pancake that was drenched in butter and syrup... which reminds me that Tuesday night I had a stack of pancakes with butter, syrup and scrambled eggs. I love pancakes. lol

Yesterday I didn't eat very much but I felt pretty full all day. Probably because of the night before, but nonetheless, I didn't eat too very much. Four whole wheat blueberry Eggos with butter, a vegetable sandwich (peppers, mushrooms, olives, guacemole, provolone, bagel), bag of Lays potato chips and a donut. I finished the night with a glass of white wine and then V8 VFusion juice. lol

I'm feeling a little lighter, but I'm sure this week was pretty bad for my "diet." I'm just glad I'm more conscious of the things I'm eating and not eating. I think dieting is a slow process, and that's the only way it can work. Because making drastic changes in one day will only create resentment and make it easier to "fall of the wagon" later on. I like this way better. Slow and steady wins the race.

Cassie!

Well, I've been procrastinating with posting here, because I definitely feel like I've fallen off the wagon this week.
My thoughts have been in other places than my weight, which shouldn't be an excuse, but I've been having some internal conflicts with myself over relationships and family things.

Last night I baked some Apple Crisp with my brother. I suppose it's the healthier version of an apple pie, but it was loaded with a whole cup of sugar. It was really rich, and I probably could have just put more apples in and less sugar! But it was delicious.

Anyway, out of the blue I just decided to weigh myself for the first time in about a week, and considering I've been completely awful with my decisions and not working out at all, I weigh 229.1 lbs.
It's a little disconcerting seeing as how whenever I have my mind set to actually eat healthy and exercise, I tend to lose around 9 pounds in the first week from water retention, because I don't drink. I haven't had much water this week, but I think now that my mind is more focused(and slightly less concerned with other things), I'm going to drink more water and get rid of the weight I don't need.

I'm curious as to what bread pudding is, but I'm afraid that if I figure out what it is I'll eat it when I shouldn't! Ahh. Ignorance is bliss.

Anyhow, I'm excited that I weighed myself, even if I did lose only about a pound. I'm also glad that I met a speedbump but was able to come back to where I started.

I want thisssss

Bad Jessica

Oops? So my food journal missed 2 days... oops? lol

I only recall overeating yesterday at dinner. And it was somewhat unintentional. I was just going to have a salad and a bowl of bread pudding when I had mentioned to my friend that I had wanted a veggie burger, but there was no one at the diner [in our cafeteria] to make one for me. She left to go get a chicken sandwich and took ridiculously long, so I just figured they had needed to make one for her. She had waited there for a veggie burger. For me. Which was very nice, so I obligingly ate it. And most of the french fries. In addition to my salad and bread pudding.... >_< I left feeling my pants squeezing my stomach. =(

I think I need to be more aware of what I'm doing and actually STOP when I should. This is much easier said than done. Much, much easier.


(9:47 a.m. update:)
I had 4 whole grain blueberry eggos with butter.
I need milk, but I'll settle on V8 VFusion juice again.

Jessica encore

I finished off yesterday with an oversized chocolate chip cookie and a chai latte for lunch, then some beans, rice and corn with some sort of potato carrot mixture thingy followed by a small cheese breadstick and most of a slice of cheese pizza and then chocolate chip bread pudding all for dinner. Yumsss. Bread pudding is really my weakness. >_<

Jessica

Ups and downs and inconsistencies.

Yesterday I had a bowl of Rice Chex mixed with Honey Nut Cheerio's (I mix my cereals to finish off a box). Then I had a bunch of cookie dough ice cream and an Eggo whole grain blueberry waffle. I went to a French film festival on campus, so I kinda missed out on lunch and dinner and opted for a chai latte with a croissant instead. 

Today I just had some Honey Nut Cheerio's with a few frosted shreded wheat bites.

I also weighed myself: 240 lbs

Eh.... yeah. =/ I hate weighing so much.

Cassie

AHHHHHHHHHHH.

Hahahaha. I totally fell off the wagon these past three days. I'm not sure if it was because my depression got a hold of me, or because there was just so much delicious food around the house!

It probably started Thursday night when my mom invited me over. I haven't had pizza in forever, and I totally went overboard. I remember lying in bed thinking "WHAT THE HELLLL". Then that morning I had waffles, came home to dads and I had eggs and toast, and lots of tea, and crackers, and then for dinner I had a small mini pizza with WAFFLE FRIES! ahaha. oops.

Saturday I did the same thing, just snacked all day, had a small bag of those sour cream and onion chips(death!), and then later I had an egg with swiss cheese, and then my dads girlfriend came over and made me a death-ridden chocolate buttercream cake. AHHH. It was the most delicious cake I've ever eaten.

And then this morning I woke up and had a big slice of cake with a cup of tea. Well, I haven't finished the piece of cake yet.

But I swear today I'm going to get back into it.

It takes 21 days to make a habit!!

Ahhhhh.

Jessica's Feeling Lighter!

First of, may I just say: I love you, Cassie! I really love hearing about you. It definitely gives me hope. =)

Today was... all right. Minus the bread pudding. lol Definitely a newly found weakness that I'll have to watch. But the rest of the day I managed to keep my portions fairly controlled.

Breakfast was the same as always--Rice Chex and lowfat milk. For lunch I only had one piece of pizza, one scoop of cottage cheese, one scoop of mac and cheese, and a small scoop of some sort of kalmata olive/dried tomato pasta thing and then a couple of pieces of white chocolate macadamia nut cookie... plus the two bowls of bread pudding... lol damn weaknesses are so tasty!

However, I've gone through nearly 60 oz of water today. I'm really proud of myself on that front, because I hate water. Dinner was pizza and a Bud Lite followed by a bit of ice cream--very little in comparison to what I used to eat!

Cassie: I'm having trouble with weighing myself, as well. I want to monitor it every day! X-[ But I've managed to wait this long, and I have to say I'm REALLY looking forward to weighing myself on Sunday... never thought I would be. Hahaha.

It's Cassie!

Hello!

I'm surprised at how much I'm NOT eating. I mean, that sounds silly maybe, but I've been sort of recording what I've been eating since I decided to start this new way of thinking(only eating when I'm hungry, like what humans were MEANT to do) in my head. Hehe.

But just comparing the amount of food I'm eating now to how much food I used to eat, It's a little intense, to be honest.

I used to always eat something before I left for classes, and always eat when I came home.

Yesterday, I ate a granola bar in the morning, had bunches of water, an orange, for lunch I had a salad with another granola bar, and then for dinner I had a mini organic(not that it matters anyway) chicken pot pie. And then I had a couple of forks-full of cake that I made on Valentines Day, at like 10pm.

On a normal day where I wasn't conscious of my body's signals, I probably would have eaten 3x as much, and not nearly as healthy.

I find myself also craving fried foods less. It's probably another thing that my body has been trying to tell me my whole life that I've just ignored and went for anyway.

I need to stop weighing myself every day though! It's so awful. I seem to keep fluctuating between 130-131.

I think from now on I'm just going to weigh myself ONCE a week(oh my god, this will be so difficult).

My dad told me yesterday that he can tell that I've lost weight, even if the scale might not say so.

Keep in mind that my first number(230.8) was the first time I've weighed myself in like 2 months. So I may have just been even heavier before and maybe that's why he seemed to notice it. Either that or he's trying to make me feel better.


I just want to fit into those tiny cute dresses and not be embarrassed by the back of my legs, or my arms. Being toned is pretty important for me too, because I know that when people lose a lot of weight without much exercise, that they're thin but just have a lot of flab. I want to avoid that.

When I get to the weight I want to be at, I want to be able to go into a store, see something on the rack, and be able to have it fit. I want to be able to wear those little black dresses that everyone is talking about. >:/


I'm just really ready to do this. And I'm excited.
I just hope I can stay this into it forever. So far it's been okay.
:]

Guess who?

I'm trying not to write in this every two seconds, though it is... oddly... tough.

I can't say I've altered my eating habits that greatly since starting this journal, but I'm definitely more concious of what I'm putting in my mouth.

Yesterday I had a bowl of Rice Chex with lowfat milk (I bought three boxes on sale for 5$, that's why I have it all the time lol) and a glass of V8 VFusion, a veggie burger with a bit of katchup and mustard along with some french fries (I was proud of myself for not even finishing the fries, actually), and finally some bread pudding... with homemade whipped cream. lol. I think I did pretty well yesterday. Dinner was just a can of tuna with maybe 2 tbs of miracle whip. Oh! And a glass of champagne. I bought this cute four-pack of champagne for Valentine's Day, and each bottle is about 1 glass of champagne, and I just felt like having one.

Besides cutting back a bit with portions yesterday (and still feeling very full somehow), I've added water. Usually I really hate water. It just tastes really weird out here, and I just don't like drinking it. But I've decided to just suck it up and drink it. Otherwise I would be going to the Starbucks on campus every day like I used to. And it's not like I was really spending money on Starbucks, but not going now has saved me some money. On campus I have a meal plan of 14 meals/week, and at each establishment that isn't the Hot Spot (our cafeteria), I can get a transfer special--which is what I was getting at Starbucks. But now that I've cut Starbucks out, I noticed I have a lot more meals available to me to use... well, as actual meals. Which means I haven't had the need to eat a whole lot of my own food. Before this week (and last weekend, actually), I didn't eat at the Hot Spot everyday. I like that I am, now. A lot of their stuff is pretty portion controlled, and it's definitely been helpful while challenging at the same time... I just have to avoid the pastry case. lol.

Jessica's Emotional Roller Coaster Day!

I ate more junk today because of stress?

Perhaps this is obvious, but it's a bit surprising when you realize you really do it... I guess.

Morning snack (around 2 a.m.): 1 fun size Milky Way, 1 fun size M&M's, 1 plum

Breakfast: Rice Chex + lowfat milk and 4 chocolate cookies

Lunch: Small salad, 1 slice of cheese pizza, plate of couscous with tomato and garlic sauce, 1 small piece of cake, 2 sugar cookies

Dinner: Vegan refried beans + cous cous, bowl of chocolate chip bread pudding

... ugh. 

I think I'm more focused on school and relationship problems than weight problems.

Though it would be very nice to be able to lose enough weight to not feel uncomfortable on a plane when I go to Luxembourg next fall. I've never felt too terribly large for a plane, but I've always felt like I'm the biggest size that planes were built for. =/ If that makes sense... I hate sitting next to those girls who can pull their legs up onto their chairs to have extra space below their feet for their luggage. I want to be able to do that.

Ugh x2

Me llama Jessica

I feel as though I should feel bad about all the junk I ate yesterday... and kind of today.

Breakfast yesterday was Rice Chex and a chocolate cookie.

Lunch/Dinner was a slice of pizza, a thin-crust breadstick, a large salad, a piece of peppermint chcoolate cake, a chocolate cookie and some sort of chocolate/coconut/chip-y bar thing.

Evening snack was 4 chocolate cookies and a glass of milk.

It should be obvious by now that chocolate is my weakness. More so this week: I get nasty cravings while I'm on my period.

It's 2:42 a.m. and I've already had a Milk Way fun size bar, 1 fun size bag of M&M's and a plum.

I'll go to sleep at 7 a.m. and get up around 9:30 for a bowl of cereal before classes to hold over until 12:30.

I realize how obsessive it seems to constantly document all of the things I'm eating. The reason I do this is so I can recognize my habits--good or bad--so I can more easily modify them. If I don't recognize what it is that I'm doing, how will I change it?

I think I'm more looking forward to that "A-Ha!" moment more so than I am looking forward to getting and staying healthy.

Another morning in Jessica's world

So I went to Walgreen's last night to try and get some photos developed and I ended up buying some chocolate cookies that were half off... So it probably goes without saying that my plan of cereal and juice for breakfast failed. Eh.

I'm hoping the rest of the day goes better than breakfast has. Blah. Off to Spanish.

Cassie's first poast

Well hello! This is my first post!

I'm going to cut to the chase here.
I've been pretty obese my entire life. My entire life I've tried diets and programs and shakes and bars.

None of them work.

I've realized that I need a lifestyle change.

I'm currently reading this book that my dad gave to me, called Eating Awareness Training.

It gives me things to do to help me realize that my body is a natural thing. It has its own system, along with timers, alerts that tell you that it's had enough or it wants more, and it has feelings.

Somehow during the process of my life, my mind took control of my body and substituted a system that was learned through habits of my parents and people around me.

Thus, my mind taught me how to ignore my body's signals and told me that it's okay to eat when I'm not hungry. It told me to find the closest parking space because my 'foot hurt'. It told me that I should be ashamed of my body, but then told me that if I eat this cake I should feel temporarily better.

This book is training me to unlearn all of my bad eating habits, and listen to what my body needs.

I've gotten into habits of eating breakfast as soon as I wake up. Even if I'm not hungry. Sure you needs the energy, but why eat if your body tells you that it doesn't want anything, just for the sake of eating?
Another habit was finishing what's on my plate- to make matters worse, the average plate size has increased to about double in size(I'm afraid I don't remember where I heart that from, but I read it on a blog where they quoted a reliable source, so I trust them).
The whole, "You can have dessert once you finish all of your dinner; you can't leave the house without eating something; the children in Africa are starving" bit that I was 'fed' when I was younger should never be applied to anyone. This was one of the things that taught me to ignore my body's signals and hints and to do what I was told. Therefore setting up probably one of the worst habits.

The one thing I've learned from reading this book that has helped me the most, is to not eat when I'm not hungry, and not to judge myself when I eat when I'm not supposed to.

It sounds simple enough, yeah?

It takes a decent amount of willpower I suppose to keep from eating when I've grown to eating as a way to keep from getting bored, and to avoid getting stressed. It's comforting.

To say to yourself that you're going to have to deal with being uncomfortable for a while until it passes is a hard thing to do.

It's an addiction. A habit. An eating disorder. Unhealthy.

But I found in the last week that not eating when I wasn't hungry really helped me realize that I'm not as hungry as I used to think I was.

For instance, I woke up around 8am this morning. I asked myself if I was hungry for breakfast, and said no. It's now around 12pm, and I'm just beginning to feel like I should get something in my stomach.

On a regular day by this time, I probably would have had three cups of tea, a few pieces of toast, some eggs, maybe some cereal, and I'd probably try to find something else to snack on. And then by this time I'd probably feel like such shit because my stomach would be weighed down by all this stuff, and then I'd feel like "it's lunch time" so I'd have to eat again.

It feels so amazing to respond to my body and how it's feeling.

I don't normally eat unhealthy things but in the past few months I've gotten into the habit of buying chocolate whenever I felt like eating it. And you know how that goes. I love chocolate.

That's one thing I have to work on.

Oh, by the way.
I weighed myself around 3 days ago. I was: 230.8

I weighed myself today before I took a shower, and I was: 231.0
on the nose.

I know that the whole womanly cycle thing messes with weight, which is a rough thing to deal with when all of the sudden one week you've gained 3 lbs out of nowhere, but to take that into account is important I guess.

I went out to lunch with my mom yesterday and ate more than I was used to, so that probably contributed to this.

I am so motivated and so ready to do this.

I want to live in the body I was meant to have. I want to have a natural shape and I want to be able to do something with all this built up energy I seem to have. Weighing this much is keeping me from doing so many things, due to self-consciousness or just not physically being able to.

I'm readyyy

Jessica Here

The reason I decided to weigh myself yesterday when I was starting my "diet" today was because I wanted to see what sort of affect it had on my weight, even in just a 24 hour period.

So after I weighed myself, I laid in bed and ate and entire box of strawberries with about half a bag of chocolate chips, 1/3 of a pint of Haagen Dazs chocolate peanut butter ice cream, 1 glass of champagne and 2-3 glasses of wine... I kind of lost count. =/

Here's what this morning's weight is: 243 lbs

So overnight, I gained 1 pound. Possibly just the weight of the food in my stomach, but all the same I'll definitely be working out today. 

Breakfast today is a non-portion controlled bowl of Rice Chex with low fat milk (probably about 2 cups of each) and a small glass of V8 VFusion (Blueberry pomegranate: yummy!).

So, at this point, I think I should explain one of the reasons why I quit Weight Watchers. It is a very helpful program, there is no doubt about that. But I had a huge problem with weighing and measuring my food. I know one of my biggest problems is portion control, but actually getting out measuring cups to measure it!? It was WAY too far for me and I just felt that doing it made food so much less enjoyable. Maybe it's just because I hate math? And with WW I was allowed 28 points/day, and sometimes I would want 1.5 servings of something to fill up my points allowance, and then math came in and I would get frustrated and just forego the extra points just so I wouldn't have to figure out how many teaspoons were in a cup or something like that. >_< I'm getting frustrated just thinking about it.